Love languages: how couples can better understand each other
Have you ever felt like you and your partner are “missing each other” emotionally—even when you’re trying your best? It might be that you’re speaking different love languages. Knowing how you and your partner give and receive love can transform your connection.
The 5 Love Languages (Gary Chapman)
Words of Affirmation: Compliments, expressions of appreciation, encouraging words.
Acts of Service: Doing thoughtful things like cooking dinner, running errands, or taking care of responsibilities.
Receiving Gifts: Small or meaningful items that show thoughtfulness and care.
Quality Time: Undivided attention, meaningful conversation, or shared activities.
Physical Touch: Holding hands, hugs, cuddling, and physical closeness.
Why It Matters
When we don’t understand our partner’s love language, we may miss opportunities to connect—even with the best intentions. One partner may work hard to do things for the other (acts of service), while the other craves verbal affection (words of affirmation). This misalignment can create tension or resentment.
How to Discover and Speak Each Other’s Love Language
Take the Quiz Together: The official 5 Love Languages quiz can be a fun, eye-opening activity.
Talk About Childhood Experiences: How we received love early on can influence our adult preferences.
Practice and Stretch: Learn to express love in your partner’s language, even if it’s not natural to you.
Give Feedback: Share what feels meaningful and when your emotional tank feels full—or empty.
It’s Not a Fix-All
While love languages can enhance closeness, they aren’t a replacement for deeper work. If there are unresolved hurts or attachment wounds, couples therapy may provide a more structured path toward healing.
References:
Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.
Egbert, N., & Polk, D. (2006). "Speaking the Language of Relational Maintenance: A Validity Test of Chapman’s Five Love Languages." Communication Research Reports, 23(1), 19–26.
Gottman Institute (gottman.com)